Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Get the Remote: The Five Worst Shows on Television

A good TV show can entrance an audience. Week after week, year after year, dedicated viewers will gather around their TVs to watch their favorite characters. I love a good TV show just as much as the next person, but it seems as though good TV may be a thing of the past. Shows like Seinfeld and The King of Queens are dead and gone, and almost the entire TV spectrum has turned to garbage. There are some diamonds in the rough (How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family etc..), but these days, it’s a challenge to find a show that doesn’t induce vomiting. With that in mind, I have compiled a list of the worst of the worst. These shows are the worst on television. If you don’t agree, just watch one episode, and I promise you’ll agree, unless you are a girl between the ages of 15-25, in which case, this list is not for you.

5. Glee- Fox: I believe I have watched three full episodes of this show, and believe me, that was more than enough. Glee is sort of like that kid on your high school sports team, who was incredibly bad, but tried incredibly hard, even in a walk through. Not only is it a musical television show, (big loss in points there) but they also try to cram every single demographic of people into one high school. Fans would rebut this, but Glee is also trying really hard to disguise the fact that it is a soap-opera. For any 90’s kids out there, I hope you’ve all realized that Glee is nothing more than Degrassi(which is also terrible) with singing actors.

4. Teen Mom-MTV: There’s a good chance you’ll see MTV on this list again, mostly because they air things like this. As you can probably guess, Teen Mom is a show about teenage girls who are pregnant. But there’s so much more to the show than that! You also get to see them fight with their moms, dads, and the guy who got them pregnant. It was my assumption at one point that a family of girl who became pregnant before she could vote or drive a car, would want to keep it hidden. Nope. They want it nationally televised. To each his own I guess.

3.Jim Rome is Burning-ESPN: I cannot believe this guy still has his own show. For starters, he pauses between almost every single word, as if what he just said is going to change the entire fabric of society. This assures me of my suspicion that he is the single most cocky person on earth. He acts as if his opinion on sports is the only one that could possibly matter, which is probably the reason he spends pretty much his entire show talking about what he’s “Burning On.” Whatever that means.

2. Toddlers and Tiaras-TLC: This is one of those shows that you watch and then wonder, “How does anyone see any part of this as acceptable?” The basis of the show is parents (mainly moms) take their young children to pageants. Doesn’t sound horrible? Wrong. Here’s the kicker: Most of these kids are between 3-6. They are literally toddlers competing in beauty pageants. The moms who enter their kids in these competitions can be equated to dads who are way too involved in their sons little league baseball career. Similarities include; Being overweight, old, washed up, and most likely on steroids.

1. Jersey Shore-MTV: This is without a doubt the worst and most disgusting show on television. It is based around a group of people who claim to be Italian go to a trashy beach every summer, drink till they blackout, and have sex with pretty much anything that moves. Throw in some fights, graphic tees, wife beaters, cargo shorts, and a dangerous amount of spray tan, and you’ve got the whole show. The people on the show have got to be some of the most miserable people on earth. The guys are the epitome of worthless, and the girls might as well be prostitutes, based on the way they dress and act. The fact that this show is still on TV, and has a huge following, is one the biggest travesties in recent history.

So there it is. The five worst shows on television. I’m sure there are plenty of people who really do enjoy these shows, in which case, I weep for you.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

10 Twitter Accounts to add to your Follow List.

Twitter, quite frankly, has taken over the world. Daily, millions of twitter users are logging on the social networking site to get updates on their friends, sports, local or global news or what have you. All these things are bunched into 140 characters, so as not to strain the mind of the users. I was very reluctant to sign up for Twitter, but, like most, was hooked quickly. It is an incredibly convenient way to get news, on pretty much anything. One of the biggest reasons I use Twitter, is for the jokes. Amongst all the nonsensical political talk, sports debates, and females from the ages of 12-17 shaving their every emotion into 140 characters, there is some pretty funny stuff out there. Here is a list, in no particular order, of what I think to be ten of the funniest accounts on Twitter.

1. The Fake ESPN: @TheFakeESPN. I put these guys first on the list, because they are easily the funniest out of the ten. They absolutely rip on athletes in a hilarious way. They frequently attempt to mentally attack one of my least favorite people in the sports world, LeBron James. (“How can you say that LeBron has changed”….right) Example Tweet: “After treating LeBron for choking, doctors trying to narrow down whether his allergy is to 4th quarters, free throws, or winning in general.” There is plenty more where that came from, so follow these people now.

2. Best Worst Advice: @BestWorstAdvice. Another team account, Best Worst Advice has a certain format to their tweets. They will pose a question about every day human problems like “Want to teach your child the value of a dollar?” and then they’ll answer with something like this “Get him a job at a sweatshop.” If you don’t mind slightly dirty jokes, then give these folks a follow.

3. The Dark Lord: @Lord_Voldemort7. Yes, this actually exists. Somebody made a twitter account for the evil person with seven books and eight films worth of murder attempts on Harry Potter, and it’s actually pretty funny. The user constantly tweets about how Potter Author J.K. Rowling didn’t feel like writing him a nose. He also addresses trending topics regularly. “#2011Lies: Till death do us part-Kim Kardashian.” If you’re not a Potter fan, you probably won’t find this account very funny, and if you are, you’re probably already following him, so I’ll skip the suggestion on this one.

4. Shooter McGavin: @ShooterMcGavin_ Shooter McGavin is another account based off of a movie villain. McGavin is the main antagonist in Adam Sandler’s gold comedy “Happy Gilmore.” McGavin’s signature move is flashing a finger pistol, or two, which is emphasized on the Twitter account. “Hey @MattBarkley, when you make your decision today, *jog to podium* *USC jersey launch* “NFL BABY!” *Single pistol Lane* *pop collar* *walk out*

5. Puns: @omgthatspunny: This one is pretty self-explanatory, they tweet puns. Here are a few samples; “Those who live beyond their means should act their wage” “Things made in Australia are high koala-ty” #punny

6. Shit Girls Say: @shitgirlssay: Again, self-explanatory. Some of my favorites: “Am I Hungry?” “First of all, ew” “why would you even say something like that?”

7. Conan O’Brien: @ConanOBrien. Late night host Conan O’Brien doesn’t tweet all that often, but he is pretty funny when he does. He humorously makes light of things going on in the world, and he is good at it. “The University of Oregon Ducks won the Rose Bowl? I haven’t said “Congratulations Ducks!” Since I watched mallards have an orgy in my pool.”

8. Jim Gaffigan: @JimGaffigan: Another comedian, Gaffigan is simply hilarious. If you’ve never seen his stand up special, go watch it. Also, you should follow him on Twitter, to see things like this; “I love how Tom Coughlin looks furious even when the Giants win. Makes me miss my Dad.”

9. Daniel Tosh: @DanielTosh: The host of Tosh.0 is just as funny on Twitter as he is on his show. He frequently gets hate tweets, and responds to them with hilarious and biting sarcasm. He also makes fun of athletes, pulling no punches. “Take Romo’s ability to throw on the run w/Sanchez’s competiveness, & Tebow’s soul- you get a QB that could back up Aaron Rodgers.

10. Breakiing News: @BreakiingNews: Much like @TheFakeESPN, @BreakiingNews is a parody of its more serious counterpart, @BreakingNews. The account comments on current events with a humorous twist, and sometimes completely fabricates its own stories. “Breaking: Avatar 2 has been pushed back to 2016” “Breaking: Taylor Lautner is gay. In related news, Taylor Swift has just been given 3 albums worth of writing material.”

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Top 10 Christmas Characters

One of the biggest parts of Christmas is the music. Every year on the day after Thanksgiving, people start playing Christmas music, and do so on repeat until the holiday has come and gone. I have always found this a tad on the extreme side, and I tend to avoid Christmas music until at least the month of December. Some people may call me a curmudgeon (and believe me there are plenty of other areas of life where I am, due in large part to my father, who has diagnosed himself with “early-onset curmudgeon disorder) but, I can assure you that when it comes to Christmas, I am the farthest thing from it. Though I may not love Christmas music all the time, I can watch any Christmas themed movie any time during the year. I love Christmas movies. When they are well done, they can become instant classics. One of most important aspects, as it is with any movie, is the characters. A good character in a good movie can be remembered forever. As I said before, I love movies, especially Christmas movies, and with any good movie, comes good characters. So here is a list of the top 10 greatest Christmas movie characters. Enjoy.

#10. George Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life- 1946: This movie is an American classic, and George Bailey is the main character. He is a down-on-his luck family man, who frequently puts aside his dreams and aspirations for the better of other people. Now if that’s not the Christmas spirit, I don’t know what is. I do know, however, that getting drunk and trying to kill yourself, is not. This is exactly what George Bailey does, when his Uncle loses a check for $8,000 for the housing project that George is running. Luckily an angel (who will appear on this list later) saves George, and shows him just what the town would look like had he never been born, as he had wished earlier. George’s story sends the message of giving over receiving with emphasis.

#9. Clarence Odbody- It’s a Wonderful Life- 1946: When I said that George’s guardian angel would be appearing on this list later, I meant right after George. Clarence Odbody is “an Angel, Second Class” meaning he does not yet have his wings. In the movie, St. Joseph tells Clarence of the trouble George has put himself in, and tells Clarence that if he can save George, and make him see the good he has done for countless others, then he will receive his wings, after over 200 years of trying. Clarence is a very love able character throughout the movie, and does end up saving George. It is because of Clarence that we have two of the most memorable lines in cinema history. One that he wrote in a copy of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer which he gave to George as a Christmas gift, which reads, "Dear George: Remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings! Love Clarence." The other comes right near the end of the film, when George is holding his daughter up next to a Christmas tree, and a bell on an ornament rings. His daughter happily says “Look daddy, teacher says, every time a bell rings, and angel gets his wings.”

#8. Dr. Neil Miller and Scott Calvin- The Santa Clause-1994: Played by Judge Reinhold, Dr. Neil Miller is the new husband of Tim Allen’s divorced wife in The Santa Clause. Miller is a psychiatrist, who is convinced that Tim Allen’s character, Scott Calvin, is insane. Scott Calvin is an extremely sarcastic character, who also happens to be Santa Claus. Miller is the brunt of numerous jokes throughout the movie, and his reactions are priceless. Laura (Scott’s Ex Wife: “All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person. Scott: Kind of like Neil.”

Charlie (Scott’s son): Neil doesn't believe in Santa
Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.

Dr. Neil Miller: Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott Calvin: We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
Scott Calvin: I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller: What book?
Scott Calvin: Uh, "Hollywood Wives."
Scott Calvin: "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!

#7. Randy Parker- A Christmas Story- 1983: Possibly the most celebrated Christmas movie of all time, A Christmas Story is played almost as much as the music. It is the story of young Ralphie Parker’s attempt to convince his parents, or anyone else who will listen really, that he needs to get a Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock, and "this thing that tells time." This is the main plot, but the show is truly stolen by Ralphie’s little brother Randy. He does this in two classic scenes.

#6. Buddy the Elf- Elf- 2003: In short, Will Ferrell dresses up and talks like an elf for two hours. Hilarity ensues.

#5. Kevin McAllister-Home Alone- 1990: eight year old Kevin McCallister’s family has gone on Christmas vacation to France. But he hasn’t. In such a rush to leave, his family forgot to wake him up, and didn’t notice he was missing till they were 30,000 feet in the air. Alone at his house in Chicago, Kevin eats all the junk food and watches all the trash TV he wants. That is, until two burglars attempt to ruin all his fun. The rest of the movie shows just how clever Kevin is, as he sets up multiple intricate “Boobie Traps,” and eventually thwarts the criminals.

#4. The Grinch-How the Grinch Stole Christmas-200: This character has been played and replayed plenty of times, but perhaps never better than in 200, when Jim Carrey portrayed the green curmudgeon. The Grinch is a mean old monster type being who lives in a cave on a mountain overlooking the town of Whoville. The Grinch despises Christmas, and attempts to “Steal” it from the citizens of Whoville, but is soon taught that Christmas is not just a material holiday. Video

#3. Ebenezer Scrooge- A Christmas Carol: I didn’t include a year, based upon the fact that there have been so many variations of this story, and of Scrooge. It is a classic story of a mean old business man, who is obsessed with money, and cares very little for Christmas. After his associate Marley dies, he becomes a ghost and begins to haunt Scrooge. He tells Scrooge that he will be visited by three ghosts. These three ghosts are the ghost of Christmas past, (showing scrooge the errors of his past) the ghost of Christmas present, (showing Scrooge the error of his ways in the present day) and the ghost of Christmas future, who shows Scrooge that if he does not change his ways things will end “gravely.” (See what I did there?)

#2. Clark Griswold-National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation-1989: Clark Griswold set the standard for sarcastic, stressed out fathers in Christmas movies. Clark annoyed with his job, his unenthused children, and his parents, in-laws, and finally, the surprise arrival of his white-trash cousin, Eddie. Through all of this, Clark tries to stay positive and keep the Christmas spirit alive, but finally snaps when his expected big Christmas bonus turns out to be “A one year subscription to the jelly of the month club.”

#1. Cousin Eddie-National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation-1989: The undisputed #1 character on the list, is Edward Griswold, better known as Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie defines white trash. He is rude, crude, yet very entitled. He is a drunk, but still cares his family, as best he can, though it seems he cares more for his Doberman, Snots. Eddie is somewhat of an antagonist to Clark Griswold, and the interaction between the two is classic.

So, there it is; The 10 Best Christmas Characters of all time. In the words of Cousin Eddie; “Merry Christmas, shitter was full!”

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Day the BCS Went to Hell

Don McLean once sang about “The Day the Music Died.” Now, any day that is remembered as the day something died, would usually bring forth sadness and depression. So, why are collegefootball fans everywhere celebrating? Because, Saturday, November 19th, 2011, may soon be come to be known as “The Day the BCS Went to Hell” That’s right, not just died, but went straight to hell. Why? Because last Saturday, in college football stadiums all throughout the country, all hell broke loose.

The first crack was made Friday night, when the mighty Iowa State Cyclones pulled a stunning upset over the offensive juggernaut Oklahoma State Cowboys, in double overtime.

The next day, while in a local Auburn sports bar, I, along with a few friends and about 70 belligerent 30 something old men, watched David after David, take down Goliath after Goliath. It was shocking. Robert Griffin III and Baylor took care of Oklahoma, the BCS number 5. The 2010 national championship runners up, Oregon, then number 4 in the BCS, went down to post-season-suspended Southern California. Earlier that day, BCS number 7 Clemson, was manhandled by North Carolina State.

So there it was; half of the top 8 teams in the country, defeated. The aftermath? Number one LSU stayed at the top of the polls, Alabama moved to number 2, and former number 6, Arkansas, moved up to number 3. Usually, at this point in the season, those three teams are the ones in the best position to play for the BCS National Title game. However, here’s the problem with that; All three of those teams, are not only in the same conference, but in the same division in the conference. It’s not only that nobody knows which of these teams will play in the national championship, but the SEC Championship. On top of that, LSU and Arkansas still have to play each other, and Alabama has Auburn left to play. Here is what we know; If LSU gets past Arkansas, they will play in the SEC championship against Georgia, and if they win that, they will play in the national championship game. But who would they play against? Could a single-conference national championship game be possible? The answer is yes. The scenarios are unending, but I’d rather not get into detail of all them because, quite frankly, they give me a migraine.

What I will address, is the fact that the way the teams that play in the BCS National Championship game may be changing soon. We’ve been close a number of times. In 2004, Southern Cal, Oklahoma, and Auburn all went undefeated. But, as you all know, only two teams get to play for the NC. Those teams were USC and Oklahoma, the top two BCS teams, as determined by the computers. USC won 55-10. What if Auburn had played in that game? Would the outcome have been the same? Who knows? All we Auburn faithful were given to heel our wounds? A sugar bowl victory over Virginia Tech, and a 14-0 banner in Jordan Hare Stadium. I could go on and on about the grief and anger I suffered, as a sixth grader, might I add, but I digress.

In 2006, there were two undefeated teams, but only one played for the NC. It was Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith and Ohio State, playing the 12-1 SEC champion Florida Gators. Florida downright destroyed OSU that night, and coasted straight to the title. But what about that other undefeated team? It was little known Boise State. They were never given the chance to make it high enough in the rankings to play in the NC, due to their conference strength and strength of schedule (or lack thereof) but they were given a crack at a BCS bowl. They were up against perennial powerhouse Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. Through trick plays, and gutsy calls, Boise State took down the Sooners in one of the greatest college football games of all time. Clearly, they had proved that they could play with the big boys, but still felt snubbed out of a chance for a National championship. What if they had played Florida?

2007 was quite the year for the BCS. It marked the first time that a two loss team (LSU) had played for the National championship. Ohio State made it again, and was again defeated. The team that finished the season at the number 10 spot that year? 12-0 Hawaii. Once again, a smaller conference team went undefeated and was denied a spot in championship. Hawaii however was not able to take down their “Goliath” foe in the Sugar Bowl, where they were beaten handedly by Georgia. Even so, the fact remains that they had the best record in the NCAA, but were nothing but an afterthought.

2008: The small conference team epidemic continued, but this time there were two. Utah went 12-0, as did, again, Boise State. Did they play for the national championship? Nope. Instead, they finished in the rankings at number six and number 9, respectively. Meanwhile 12-1 SEC champion Florida, captured another national championship, this time against Big 12 champion, 12-1 Oklahoma. (Just a side note, Florida’s only loss that year was to Auburn.)

Bored yet? Yet again in 2009, multiple teams went undefeated. Alabama, (national champion) Texas, (runner-up) Cincinnati, TCU, and, yet again Boise State. One would assume that those five teams ended the season as the top five teams in the BCS rankings. But, yet again, the computers gave Boise the snub, and ranked them number six behind 12-1 Florida.

So 2010, three teams undefeated again. But this time, Boise State was not one of them. Instead, it was Auburn, Oregon, and TCU. This was the second straight year that TCU didn’t lose a single game, which would bring about the assumption that they would play for the national championship, but no. Instead, it was Oregon and Auburn. Auburn won 22-19, just in case anyone had forgotten.

So, what’s the recurring theme here? A small conference team, that goes undefeated, continually gets the snub to the bigger conferences, and gets left wondering “what if we had a chance at the championship.” That question can be solved pretty easily if you ask me. It’s simple, really. You have got to determine who the best team in the country is ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD. That’s the only way it will ever be fair. We cannot continue to just grant the opportunity for a championship to a team based on what some computer says. It has be done on the field, and that’s that. There is no other solution and never will be, and I think, more than any time before, November 19th, 2011 told us that.

Monday, November 7, 2011

10 Things to do During the NBA Lockout

1. Celebrate: That's right, I said it. There may be no NBA season this year, and that is cause for celebration. Why, you ask? Well for starters, we won't have to here anyone bitch and moan about how good their team is, and how they know they can win a championship, but give a million reasons why they haven't yet (Miami Heat). Another reason to take joy in the suffering of the NBA is the fact that ESPN will actually discuss something else for once. If you think about it, during the NBA season, it seems like all ESPN ever discusses is the latest trade request from some diva veteran, and the top 10 plays seems like its 9 dunks, followed by hundreds of British people rolling down a hill after a wheel of cheese (but that one never gets old.)

2. Watch Hockey: Probably one of the most underrated sports, hockey is incredibly fun to watch. In what other sport can you freely punch anyone in the face without any official interference? Anyone who watches hockey, almost automatically, develops some kind of respect for those who play it. If you are saying to yourself, "I could play hockey, if I could just ice skate" then no, you probably can't play hockey.

3. Spring Training Baseball: its sad today, how many people will talk about how baseball is boring. In my opinion, it is far from it. There is almost no better day on the calendar than opening day. But even before opening day, there is still plenty of fun to be had with America's pass time. I'm talking about spring training. I have been to spring training twice, and it is incredibly enjoyable. The Grapefruit League in Florida features some of the MLB's biggest market teams (Braves, Phillies, Yankees, and Cardinals) and some great stadiums. Spring training is a great time to get autographs, and some great food. It's also a great time to try and learn how to score a baseball game, which will make you 100% more involved in the game.

4. Take a Vacation: This one is a little bit of a stretch. If it takes a major sports association going down the tubes for you to take a vacation, god bless you. Equally, if you need a vacation simply because the NBA isn't having a season, god HELP you.

5. Make Jokes about Lebron James: Like this one: With the NBA locked out, Lebron is seriously considering taking up Hockey, highly based on the fact that they only play three periods.

6. Think About All the Cool Stuff Mark Cuban is Probably Doing: Smoking a Cuban, drinking 100 year old scotch, with a lingerie model, in a private casino, on the beach in Mexico......just kidding, its probably a lot cooler than that.

7. Get a Job:
Because if you love the NBA this much, you probably don't have one.

8. Write an Angry Letter to David Stern: Because he probably doesn't get enough of those already. And remember, it is completely his fault that there isn't going to be an NBA season, and it has nothing to do with the greedy player who "really need" more money. No, really, they need it!

9. Make Some More Jokes About Lebron James: Here's another personal favorite: What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

10. Watch Michael Jordan Game Tape: Because the players in the NBA have destroyed it. Jordan did it for the passion and love of the game; these guys today are in it for nothing but the money.